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on photos below to enlarge) |
24/2/2003
(Monday) In fact, this summer I should be
doing very well - My vision for myself is with two good legs. Which reminds
me that if I can get out of here in good time I would like to walk to College
and Spadina. It works well when I walk to College at the very least. I am
meeting Sylvie at 11am. So - if I am out of here
by 9:30 I will be in great shape to do my banking on top of everything else.
I will propose that we walk around Kensington and China Town until we are
too cold and then go underground for a while in the financial district and
then head back here for supper. |
11:37:52 AM Sylvie is getting ready to leave the
Second Cup where we met. |
25/2/2003 (Tuesday)
Don't want to lose my impressions of a day with Sylvie
- where Sylvie, Sylvie Cotton was blind. She wore safety glasses with cotton
balls covering her eyes for 6:05 hours. I felt that the position of caretaker
increased the level of intimacy and my compulsion to make her comfortable
in this unseeing world lead me to talk more and also come out with more
personal details about myself than I would with someone I just met. Also
the formality of contributing to a project created space for just being
together and experiencing the day as it unfolded. There were several obstacles
- snow and ice and slush and water everywhere. It was cold but no wind and
we were both dressed well for the winter. I wore about 2 sweaters + a turtleneck
plus my long wool coat and jeans. Sylvie is 40 - her birthday is in September.
This makes her Maria's age. At first I though
that people would look at us like we were artist freaks - but it seemed
that with the cotton over Sylvie's eyes, people thought she was sick - we
attracted attention but it was the kindly, solicitous, trying not to look
kind of attention a sick person gets - not unlike the attention I received
when I was walking on crutches last summer. The kids, of course, gawked
- openly and honestly. And in the Second Cup, north of Augusta on College,
where we met and Sylvie donned the glasses, people were curious and seemed
excited by what we were doing. Later one woman on Spadina actually asked
- "What's the matter with her eyes?" in an open and honest way
and kindly. |
2:04:52 PM Lunch at Asakusa (King and Spadina).
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She was not thrown when Sylvie
said we were doing an experiment. I felt at times I was expected to speak
for Sylvie because most signs which initiate conversation were visual. Sylvie
usually waited for me to say something like, "Sylvie, this person is
ready to talk to you." I found myself fighting the urge to do everything
for her. Where are the boundaries of "caring for" and "allowing
for" - This is a power boundary really. I made the decision to try
to intervene as little as possible - to make sure Sylvie was comfortable
and safe - but to allow and even to push her to be self-sufficient. I think
this was a decision that I made early in the day. We didn't really discuss
it directly, but I sensed it was what she wanted - or at least it was a
position that she was agreeable to. Sylvie was also forced to articulate
her own needs - she had to ask if she wanted anything like a bathroom or
a cigarette. [Now I feel myself begin to think more carefully about what
I am writing after thinking I will type this and send it to Paul + Sylvie].
I will try to stop "seeing the reader" now and shall send only
what I want and perhaps allow for an edit - so I don't do this here as I
write. An audience changes the process. Which brings me to my relationship
with my camera - I wanted to be able to document what was happening throughout
the day - also bring my art to the project - but felt aware of the pressures
of bringing in the outside world - the audience to the performance - Promenades
which is more of a personal experience - and the experience of the people
we encountered throughout the day. I wanted the piece to be a piece without
much influence from the camera but also didn't want the camera to be invisible.
All of the shots were taken indoors where it was safer for Sylvie and where
she felt more secure. |
2:05:58 PM In Asakusa, Sylvie takes a photo of
me. |
She definitely didn't want
to be left alone on the street. - and made this very clear when I wanted
to run quickly around the corner at King and Spadina to see if Asakusa was
there. NO! She said. When I insisted she needed a pole to hang on to - which
remained strong in her memory - later when we were drawing - more or less
with our eyes closed - at least mine where closed some of the time - Sylvie
was still blindfolded. Sylvie drew that post - and it was one of the first
things she pointed out to me when we were done - her goggles came off and
we talked about what we had drawn. This pole was very important to her.
So, all of the shots were taken when we reached a destination. And even
then it took a transition or mind shift for me to bring out the camera.
It gave me two jobs - to photograph and to take care of, both. Perhaps having
my attention shift to the camera also gave Sylvie more freedom to move of
her own free will. It removed me from her physically - so she had to feel
her way - on her own - as I was distracted I was not anticipating what she
would need or want in those moments. This was probably better. |
2:31:14
PM On the TTC going east on King Street. |
26/2/2003 (Wednesday)
I feel a bit like I'm in the twilight zone. I feel a
bit disconnected and out of sorts. In general my body is less stressed than
it was a month ago but I feel in this weird timeless zone. A little surreal
perhaps. Like I live in a weird under-water life. I am floating like a weed
in the ocean. Last night I began thinking about how touching the video I
made of Sylvie is. I think the relationship - the trust of the relationship
comes through the little clips. Maybe I'll talk to Margaret about how they
can be hooked together. Maybe I can make a short video of them, and dump
it to video tape. It really comes through. I'll talk to Sylvie about it.
See what she thinks. It breaks my heart. Maybe I can edit in some of the
still photographs as well. This would be so cool. I'll ask and talk to Margaret.
See where this goes. |
2:52:46 PM Sylvie looks for something to buy me
at Goodwill Buy the Pound on Adelaide St. |
27/2/2003 (Thursday)
I do want to follow up the Promenades piece with writing
about my impressions because it is interesting how people treated us.
The whole medical angle of the whole scene - made the space that we inhabited
more private and people more furtive when they looked at us. Interesting.
My talk with Leena today made me begin to think about the piece more in
terms of the premise of the project - Private Spaces/Public Places. I
want to write my thoughts to complete my end of the piece. I will be sure
to get email from Sylvie. I already have Paul's so I can email him if
I don't manage to get Sylvie's email. I feel caught up in the professionalism
of this piece or my role in it. It is like I am professionally compelled
to complete this piece. Very cool feeling. It adds to my feelings of professionalism
towards my art. I am feeling less and less apologetic or tentative and
more and more like a professional in my field. Like I needed to walk around
the block a few times over the last years.
28/2/2003 (Friday)
I think it helps me to be around people in transition.
To see how people are dealing with this. I feel like my emotional trauma
stems from wanting to walk softly on the planet but feeling too that this
makes life very difficult. I need to wash the sweater Sylvie picked out
for me and burn some CDs. It's Jody's birthday. I sang the happy birthday
song alone this year. She liked it. |
4:24:44
PM We take a short nap at Paul's place. |
1/3/2003 (Saturday)
It seems that most of the people at the party know each
ther. Or some or some of them do. The woman who MC'd at Colin's memorial
was there. I took this as a huge omen that I was in the right place. As
if I didn't already feel this. I ate too much and feel this today. We watched
the videos and people seemed to like them although all the fussing on the
computer between clips is distracting and gets people talking so they missed
some of the things I was saying to Sylvie, which would have been extremely
important to her blindfolded world. I will find somehow to glue the clips
together and put them on video. Call Margaret. |
5:12:50
PM Sylvie wants us to draw together. |
Also I'm thinking more of
my conversation with Leena on Thursday. Prompting me to consider how Promenades
#21 of Private Spaces, Public Places related to the project as a whole.
I felt that Sylvie and I had created a private intimate space between us.
We walked very close together and I felt that closeness still remained even
last night when I left the party and she went out to buy cigarettes. We
still walked close together - almost touching. Sylvie was more comfortable
(and so was I) when she held tightly to my arm. Also, my focus - my attention
while we walked was reigned in, cut short - much closer to my body than
it is normally when I am out. I paid close attention to where we were both
putting our feet - and what was in our immediate vacinity. So my awareness
was not so much open to the people and places we passed by. Sylvie's blindfolded
world, I imagine, was composed of my voice, very close to her, and the noises
of the street, sometimes traffic would pick up and she would become suddenly
frightened - as if the car drove into the living room. Sylvie was contained
by her inability to see while I was contained by my responsibility of ensuring
she did not get hurt - It is hard work to keep track of someone else's feet.
I noticed on our way to Paul's place later in the day, that I let her walk
in to streetcar shelters at least twice. |
5:38:18
PM Sylvie takes of her goggles at Paul's place. |
With our physical closeness
and drawn in attention we began to feel emotionally close and talked about
private things - painful sometimes even. I felt much less reserved than
I normally would. And perhaps this was encouraged by her inability to see
- if I did not talk - I did not communicate. She did respond to body pressure
- but also sometimes she would push me in one direction or another. Or stop
in the middle of the street - "For some reason," I said, "you
seem to want to go North." She answered she felt like we were in the
middle of the street, close to traffic. We were safe - but there were a
lot of cars passing. Talking allowed her to remember that it wasn't appropriate
at this particular moment - to be in control. Brave Sylvie! I will type
what I have written and email it to Paul. Also to Sylvie. Close the piece
- complete my part of the piece. I will figure out somehow. Make a short
video. Add more of my voice - because this is Sylvie's world. I can see
the video in my head. |
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2/3/2003 (Sunday) while
typing my notes In several places I wrote:
the space that we inhabited was more private. I now think this is inaccurate
- that actually while the care taking, etc made the space more private and
intimated for us - it also made us more conspicuous and people felt a vaguely
uncomfortable desire to look at us. If we were just two women walking down
the street no one would notice us but in this piece we lost some anonymity
and became uneasy-making public domain. And people thinking Sylvie was sick
added a particular nuance to the attention we received.
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